Cheers!

2011 was a wonderful year for our family.  We didn't have any babies this year and we didn't move.  It was relatively calm; we really settled in as a family of four.  We had great visits from family members and we flew to the East Coast twice to see family as well.  The beginning of 2011 was rough for me personally-- and by extension, it probably wasn't always easy for my supportive husband.  I was at times swept under water by post-partum depression and anxiety.  I reflected on my experience just a few days ago as I did a few simple household tasks before heading out the door with kids.  We were all awake, dressed, fed, and I had the energy to empty the dishwasher and fold some laundry and still leave the house.  If this sounds like a piece of cake to you, thank your lucky stars.  I did.
 
I stopped and smiled to myself and thought-- I must really be better.  The healing process for me was such a gradual one that it seemed I'd always feel exhausted and drained.  I was terrified that I would forever feel uncomfortable in my own skin, like a lioness pacing in a small cage.  As a competetive, educated woman, it is still difficult for me to admit that I needed help here and there.  I strive for perfection and yet, I can vividly recall tears streaming down my face as our post-partum doula helped calm one crying child while I had the other (sleeping) child.  I needed another woman to help me mother my children for a couple of hours and I felt that I had failed in all of the ways that matter. 

The truth is, though, I was giving my children my best.  Finding ways to support myself and making Lindsey, not just Mama, a priority helped me push through the thick of PPD and anxiety.  It is still important to take time away, whether it's book club once a month-- which has been just fabulous-- or an hour in the evening out by myself.  It's true that I haven't slept for more than three or four hours at time in over three and a half years, but I feel much more in tune with myself.  This year, we're making it a priority for my husband to get away now and then too (and more time for the two of us as well)!  Happy New Year to you!

A Reminder

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.



from Dream Work by Mary Oliver, published by Atlantic Monthly Press

Sunny Afternoon

Last night was rather sleepless as Henry's molars work their way to the surface of his swollen gums.  Sleep deprivation is a sure-fire way to increase my anxiety, so I decided that it would be best to get out of the house to enjoy some sunshine and good company. 

Fortunately, some friends were free to meet with us and the kids had a lovely time riding a train and playing pretend together in a little house.  Evelyn was especially excited about the outing because we decided to pack a lunch.  She made her sandwich ("butter"-- earth balance spread and roasted turkey meat on Udi's gluten-free bread) all by herself.  The earth balance container now resembles mashed potatoes, but Evelyn did it on her own!

A Long Journey

I went to my first post-partum support group this evening.  It's taken eleven months to reach the point that I'm able to hear the experiences of other women and talk openly about my own experiences.  I'm glad I went.  I will go again. 

Half-way through May?

Henry is already eleven months old!  My sweet "newborn" crawls at the speed of the light, climbs up steps (and usually back down), and has begun to say words.  He loves "d" and "b" sounds, so we're hearing a lot of "Dada" and "dig" along with plenty of mimicing.  Henry is starting to dance a little when we turn up the music and sing and dance around.  It's adorable to see his smiling face turning side to side as he bounces up and down.  He also does the hand motions to "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and many of the signs to the song we sing (and sign) at Toddler Group:  "The More We Get Together."  He is very proud of himself and claps enthusiastically when he's done.

Evelyn, for her part, has come up with some new "Evelynisms."  Currently, she likes to say that things are "neat, cool."  For example, "look at my neat, cool sneakers!"  They are pretty neat. . . and cool.  In other news, we have tickets for a cross-country flight and the idea of being in a confined space while strangers exchange looks of "please, don't let those kids sit near me!" makes my heart race, to say the least.  Evelyn was an excellent traveller at about 14 months and I hope she'll do well with books, snacks, and maybe a movie or two.  Henry, on the other hand, may not be so content.  I hope I'm wrong.  I'll leave you with this (joy on a stick):

   

No Identity Crisis Here

Today's rain kept us indoors all day, but it didn't stop us from having fun.  We spent the morning at a local kids' museum.  The drive there was road-spray central (and apparently no one else is aware that we need to use headlights in the rain so that other cars can actually see us) but I kept it together.  Just a couple of months ago, I might have been paralyzed with panic at the suffocation of a crowded highway and tons of rain but I am doing really well lately.  Henry is 9 1/2 months old now, and I think that having that distance, hormonally, from the immediate post partum period is helpful.  I really do miss the newborn scent and the precious early weeks and months with him, but there is nothing like enjoying your children and feeling like yourself at the same time.  A little regular sleep and some down time once in a while, and I think I'll be back in business. 

Later on this afternoon, Evelyn was fading fast.  In an effort to pull her out of the whine-induced tantrum that was sure to ensue, I offered to trace her whole body.  She is very interested in tracing-- hands, feet, letters and the like.  She was very excited to do this activity with me (and she tolerated Henry's presence as he crinkled the paper and tried to swipe makers).  When we were finished, she looked very proud.  It's another Evelyn!  It's me!  She decorated it and then we taped it up on the family room door.  You can never have too many Evelyns. 

Another Evelyn!

Henry keeps an eye on things.

What we've been up to lately . . .

Now that I am past the six month post partum mark (and the holidays and residual stress-- even though it was largely "happy" stress-- are gone), I am feeling more balanced and at peace than I have in a long time.  I think that hormones are settling down a bit and though anxiety is still a part of parenthood and life, it is no longer defining my whole week. 

I'm actually really enjoying being a mother of two.  The fact that our household and our family is feeling happier on such little sleep (most nights, I get between four and six hours of sleep-- and no, it is not consecutive!) is great news.  Imagine how we'll feel when sleep begins to improve sometime in the future.  Henry's first tooth is almost completely through his gum line and it looks like a second tooth might be close behind; I imagine this teething pain is contributing to his frequent nursing at night.

Henry climbed into the toy drawer, so Evelyn followed him in (and offered a car).



Evelyn carefully places her piece on the board.

A Little Fresh Air

I've found that there are few day-to-day troubles that fresh air can't fix.  Too tired?  Too much energy?  Bored?  On the verge of a panic attack?  You get the idea.  Both kids had a nice time today in the winter sun.  It was cold, but the blue skies more than made up for it. 

Freestyle Friday

Today has been a bit of a "do whatever we'd like to do" kind of day.  Usually, by the end of the week especially, my anxiety level threatens to rise up like a tsunami.  I decided that it would be best if we didn't just sit at home today.  With nothing on our schedule, Evelyn and Henry played together for a little while this morning and then we decided to visit the library.  Though Henry had just fallen asleep for his morning nap as when we pulled up to the library, he was kind enough to accomodate us.  He snuggled quietly while we enjoyed storytime and checked out books.  By the time we left, Henry was protesting pretty loudly. 

We went grocery shopping and ate lunch while Henry snoozed in the Ergo.  Evelyn was very happy to pick out a box of her new favorite "squeezy yogurt" and helped heave the package onto the conveyer belt at the checkout.  I was nursing Henry in the Ergo as I signed my name on the keypad and the woman behind me smiled and remarked:  "Wow, that's some impressive multi-tasking!"  She smiled at Henry and said "hi" to Evelyn and I think I said something like "Yeah, moms do what they need to do!"  It was actually the first comment regarding nursing I've ever received at the grocery store, so it was certainly nice that it was meant as a compliment of sorts.  I am so glad that we live in such a breastfeeding-friendly area.

After a leisurely (for a toddler) lunch, we dropped our bags at the car and walked across the plaza to get Evelyn's first haircut:  just one and half inches to remove the super fine, straggly ends that so easily get tangled and knotted in the night.  She sat very still and was mostly silent in the stylist's chair.  Haircutting is serious business!  I'm so glad her little waves and curls are still there.  The stylist was actually pretty great with Evelyn, though this was not a kiddie salon (another bonus, the entire haircut cost the same as a bangs trim at the kid's salon we usually visit). 

Christmas lights

This evening, Evelyn took an incredibly poorly-timed nap.  When she woke, the world was a miserable place and she was out of sorts.  Luckily, Chris had made it home from work by then.  He rocked Henry to sleep and tried to have a little dinner while I convinced a hysterical Evelyn to put on her coat and boots.  Here is one of the best parenting tips I've ever received:  go outside.  Is the baby crying in the middle of the night and you've already tried everything?  Go outside.  Is the toddler having a tantrum?  Pick her up and take her outside.

Fresh air does wonders.  I don't care if it is cold or pouring rain.  Sometimes just a few moments outside can act as a reset button of sorts.  This makes good sense, actually.  When I am completely on edge and the anxiety creeps up to an uncomfortably high level, I often use little sensory tricks like stepping outside for a few deep breaths or running cool water over my wrists and hands.  Suffice it to say, both Evelyn and I needed to get outside tonight.  She stopped crying as soon as I pulled her up onto my back for a piggyback ride.

I took in some cool night air and we headed down the street to look at the Christmas lights around the neighborhood.  When I was younger, I remember driving with my parents and enjoying the twinkling lights adorning each house on the block.  This was a fun spin on this tradition.  Our on-foot version was so much better!  Granted, it was about forty degrees here so we weren't freezing.  After about fifteen minutes, we returned home.  We were both in better moods.

Here comes the sun

Evelyn and I had some much needed quality time today while Henry took a morning nap. It was so wonderful to see her sweet smile and hear her giggle as we played toss, her new favorite game. We also had an impromptu dance party. Later, when Henry woke up, Evelyn surprised us by carrying Daddy's guitar into the family room for a jam session. I was put on tambourine duty. Henry was delighted to chew on the crinkly wing of a toy butterfly and smile at us. I felt awake and clear-headed in a way that I haven't really felt since my second trimester of pregnancy with Henry.

I am so glad that I spoke up about PPD and about the panic attacks I was experiencing. My naturopath, my counselor, my husband, and I were able to come up with a good treatment plan. While some aspects of that plan are unique to my needs-- and therefore personal-- I think that other aspects, like finding high quality support and taking time out of the day for me to recharge, are critical and should be shared.

I know that I'll continue to be tired, like any mother of an infant and a toddler. I will still have days that drag on. But!-- I will also continue to have good days as well and this rediscovered sense of hope and optimism is quenching a thirst I thought was here to stay. If postpartum depression and anxiety had stranded me on a lonely stretch of land, it feels safe to say that I can now see the other side of the lake.

A good mother

Postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety bring with them an immense amount of doubt, guilt, and unwanted "what ifs." The "what ifs" could literally fill a novel: what if we all get into an accident? What if this isn't a panic attack and I'm actually suffocating? etc. But, one major fear is that I am not (or if you're experiencing or have experienced PPD/ PPA, you may feel like you are not) a good mother. What is a good mother? Logically, I'd say that a good mother makes sure that her children's needs are met (food, clothes, shelter, love). I know that I am meeting the needs of my kids. (They're quite happy, lovely little people) I know that we have a loving household and that these walls could speak of giggles and hugs and fun bath times and books.

So, irrational hormones, please stop whispering that I would be a better mother if only my counters were clear and shining right now, or if only I make time to vacuum out the cars, or if only I edge our lawn and reseed the little mole hills like our neighbors (who, incidentally, do not have small kids). Please stop making absurd comparisons. Some people are able to make it out with their children to one or two scheduled events every day and that's great if they're enjoying it. Evelyn and I used to do that when it worked for us. Right now, the mere thought of driving on the highway with two babes (one likely to cry for at least half of the time) makes my heart skip a beat.

A good mother, I whisper to myself sometimes, would be able to handle this. In reality, this is not the case. We've had friends and relatives driving with us and they've remarked that it is pretty stressful to drive with a screaming infant or a toddler singing at lung capacity. A good mother knows her family and knows her limits. A good mother knows that she first has to feel OK in her own skin before she is able to fully give herself to her children. I am making that happen right now. I am a good mother. You are a good mother.

And so it goes

Evelyn has been missing her nap at least every other day; this means that she has been literally melting down almost every afternoon. She cries and cries and tells me she is sad and just wants to be held or carried and I still have a four-month-old baby needing to nurse and cuddle frequently. Inconsolable meltdowns are especially hard to take when I am doing everything in my power to keep myself together right now. I'm kind of at a loss here, which is frightening really. I have a wonderful and supportive husband, a good naturopathic doctor, a great counselor, and some very lovely friends and I still can't seem to keep my head above water for a solid twenty-four hour period.

There is a saying that is often recited in OB-GYN and midwife offices: "speak up when you're feeling down," but what can anyone really do to help? Logically, I know that this is the "hopeless" feeling that comes along with postpartum depression, but emotionally it truly seems like all the help in the world won't, well, help. I'm in the process of trying to secure a helper for nap times and afternoons since those are the hardest times of the day, but the few people I know well enough to really trust are occupied during those times.

I'm trying my best.

Back in the trench, but not for long

Our house is basically buzzing with energy these days. Henry has been smiling and giggling; my sweet Evelyn is just as happy and energetic as ever. Unfortunately, I have found myself in a familiar but extremely uncomfortable place.

I am struggling with postpartum depression. I think of PPD as a trench and I know that I can climb out of it. I am working to create "steps" to help me back to myself. For me, PPD manifests largely as a spike in general anxiety and panic. Because my anxiety "baseline" is higher than usual, things that would ordinarily lead to frustration end up leading to moments of panic. These moments are not at convenient times (stuck in a traffic jam on the highway, for instance).

If you've never experienced a panic attack, imagine that you are drowning. You recognize that you are drowning, but in a split second-- before you're able to think logically-- you gasp for air and take in more water. It's terrifying, this dry drowning that is panic. I know that it will get better. Things became much better after Evelyn hit the six month mark and then even better at twelve months postpartum. Still, that is a long time (at least two more months, probably longer) to live like this, wondering if a panic attack is lurking around every corner. I've taken action and I am not going to pretend that I feel fantastic right now. There are a lot of very joyful moments in every day and I will continue to embrace them and be the best mother I can be to my beautiful children. And, I will continue to look forward to the day when I am once again comfortable in my own skin.

On limits

I've come to realize (again-- it seems I have the same epiphany over and over again) that I just cannot be everything to everyone and that it is OK. If I am to maintain some semblance of peace and joy in my life and in my house, I can't say "yes" to every event invitation, volunteer opportunity, or even casual get-together. Sometimes we need a little down-time. Believe me, we often do need some social activities, but lately we've had plenty!

Thankfully, my dear sister was willing to listen to me as I worked through some anxieties and frustrations (Am I the best mother I can be? Am I achieving enough?) I suppose it really doesn't help that, had I followed the graduate school path immediately following college, this year might have been the year I'd look forward to tacking three letters onto my name. My sister helped provide some much-needed outside perspective though. She helped me remember that my babies are only these ages, with these specific (and highly physical) needs for a relatively short time. I don't need to strive for perfection every day. Sometimes contented survival is good enough. And, sometimes good enough really is enough.

There are some fabulous friends I've made in the Pacific Northwest that I haven't been able to see for some time because of the fluctuating newborn-toddler routines and needs. I hope this will begin to change in the coming month or so, as I've been getting a better handle on the routines that best serve the needs of our whole family. I also have a number of projects I've been meaning to complete. I think if I can wrap my head around the word "no"-- as in, "no, I won't be able to help organize this huge event/ host a shindig/ drive an hour and a half with a crying newborn"-- we will all be in better shape.