Back in the trench, but not for long

Our house is basically buzzing with energy these days. Henry has been smiling and giggling; my sweet Evelyn is just as happy and energetic as ever. Unfortunately, I have found myself in a familiar but extremely uncomfortable place.

I am struggling with postpartum depression. I think of PPD as a trench and I know that I can climb out of it. I am working to create "steps" to help me back to myself. For me, PPD manifests largely as a spike in general anxiety and panic. Because my anxiety "baseline" is higher than usual, things that would ordinarily lead to frustration end up leading to moments of panic. These moments are not at convenient times (stuck in a traffic jam on the highway, for instance).

If you've never experienced a panic attack, imagine that you are drowning. You recognize that you are drowning, but in a split second-- before you're able to think logically-- you gasp for air and take in more water. It's terrifying, this dry drowning that is panic. I know that it will get better. Things became much better after Evelyn hit the six month mark and then even better at twelve months postpartum. Still, that is a long time (at least two more months, probably longer) to live like this, wondering if a panic attack is lurking around every corner. I've taken action and I am not going to pretend that I feel fantastic right now. There are a lot of very joyful moments in every day and I will continue to embrace them and be the best mother I can be to my beautiful children. And, I will continue to look forward to the day when I am once again comfortable in my own skin.