Take a breath

This past weekend was both energizing and exhausting. With Henry wrapped in a sling, I attended the La Leche League of Washington Area Conference. It was a three day conference, though I didn't participate on Friday as Evelyn wouldn't have had anywhere to go! There were some wonderful speakers and some very thought-provoking discussions and questions among attendees. There was a great range of topics which included lactation, nutrition, parenting, and partner relationships; I think I got a good taste of each one, though there were so many sessions that I couldn't possibly attend everything that piqued by interest. I'll share a favorite new resource.

Patty Wipfler, of Hand in Hand Parenting, gave a wonderful talk about parenting by connection. I wasn't familiar with her organization before this talk but I am so glad to have learned about it. A couple of the concepts that seem poised to be the most controversial among parents (which I will mention here, because controversy seems to stir discussion and interest) include a strict "no-tickle" policy and the general premis of parenting by connection: focus on maintaing a connection with your child, not on controlling behavior! I happen to enthusiastically support both of concepts and so it was great to hear my views so well-articulated and to hear about the experience-based research behind them.

Briefly, the idea behind having a "no-tickle" household isn't to say that parents shouldn't nuzzle into their child's little neck and give kisses or blow raspberries on their child's tummy as long as the child enjoys it. The idea really is that tickling is a cheap thrill of sorts. It forces laughter out of the child, even is the child is grumpy or upset about something. A tickle almost always brings with it laughter-- which pleases the parent-- and the child will learn to accept "forced" (and I do realize it is with good intentions) prolonged or even rough tickling in order to see her parent smiling and laughing if this doesn't often happen at other times of the day. There are so many more creative ways to induce laughter that give the child some power and some choice in the matter. Giggling and chasing a toddler and saying "I have tickles for you!" is a great option in our house. Evelyn asks to be tickled in certain places (her armpits, or her legs) and I gently oblige but her favorite activity when it comes to "tickling" type fun is when I pretend to nibble her up for dinner. I pause every few moments to make sure she is still enjoying it (rather than trying to make her laugh until she feels helpless and can't breathe or has a stomach ache).

The basic idea behind Hand in Hand Parenting though, is that if children are going to thrive, they need to feel really connected to the person taking care of them. This means that adults offer warmth, repsect, eye contact, and good listening. The child, in turn, responds with trust, cooperation, and respect (in age appropriate ways obviously). The child relies on her limbic system to a great degree and before she is even capable of expressing herself, she can tell and sense who we are as people. Thinking follows this non-verbal "feeling" and when a child is feeling connected she will show better reasoning, planning, impulse control, and short-term memory.

So, if your child (or mine!) isn't listening to you or is acting up, the idea is that we need to first reestablish that connection with the child in order to repair the irrational thinking. We need to move close, stop the off-track behavior without even saying (or yelling) "stop it!" and we need to listen. Wipfler encouraged parents to see crying and tantrums (and even seemingly defiant laughter) as part of the healing process. Children are offloading the upset and then they are ready to connect and use their prefrontal cortex for actual logical thought (again, in age appropriate ways). This was all very interesting to me and it was so helpful to frame Evelyn's behavior within this model of thinking. When I use the techniques (focusing on staying connected or reconnecting as needed) that Hand in Hand encourages, Evelyn really responds much faster and I think that both of us feel better. I won't turn this post into a novella, but I could go on and on with some fascinating ideas and some "playlistening games" to help deal with specific issues that a child might be dealing with (separation anxiety, power issues, wondering if she is still loved after a new sibling has arrived). I'll save my wonderful experiences hearing from Naomi Aldort (!) for another day.