A good mother

Postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety bring with them an immense amount of doubt, guilt, and unwanted "what ifs." The "what ifs" could literally fill a novel: what if we all get into an accident? What if this isn't a panic attack and I'm actually suffocating? etc. But, one major fear is that I am not (or if you're experiencing or have experienced PPD/ PPA, you may feel like you are not) a good mother. What is a good mother? Logically, I'd say that a good mother makes sure that her children's needs are met (food, clothes, shelter, love). I know that I am meeting the needs of my kids. (They're quite happy, lovely little people) I know that we have a loving household and that these walls could speak of giggles and hugs and fun bath times and books.

So, irrational hormones, please stop whispering that I would be a better mother if only my counters were clear and shining right now, or if only I make time to vacuum out the cars, or if only I edge our lawn and reseed the little mole hills like our neighbors (who, incidentally, do not have small kids). Please stop making absurd comparisons. Some people are able to make it out with their children to one or two scheduled events every day and that's great if they're enjoying it. Evelyn and I used to do that when it worked for us. Right now, the mere thought of driving on the highway with two babes (one likely to cry for at least half of the time) makes my heart skip a beat.

A good mother, I whisper to myself sometimes, would be able to handle this. In reality, this is not the case. We've had friends and relatives driving with us and they've remarked that it is pretty stressful to drive with a screaming infant or a toddler singing at lung capacity. A good mother knows her family and knows her limits. A good mother knows that she first has to feel OK in her own skin before she is able to fully give herself to her children. I am making that happen right now. I am a good mother. You are a good mother.