Useful Engines Need Rest

I thought this engine shed would be a fun addition to the kids' train table and I was partially right-- it is tons of fun for Evelyn.  Henry, on the other hand, has noticed a drastic increase in train theft and they keep showing up in the shed!

Snapshot: A new skill

Hey, they teach dishwashing in Montessori schools.  I was just trying to think of a new activity to thwart the pre-bedtime whining, but let's call this a learning moment. 

Mama cooks: it's a regular thing now!

Tofu Chili

Nursing and chopping vegetables (and taking a photo).

Cooking is quickly becoming a rather enjoyable-- and tasty-- activity for me.  If it's old hat for you, I hope you'll humor me if I express undue enthusiasm.  And remember, when I cook I am still an attached Mama who tries to meet the needs of two small children.

I do try to prepare some of the ingredients here and there when I find a couple of seconds.  For instance, if it's about 4:00 and I find my hands (miraculously) are free, I might pull out whatever pot or pan or glass bowl I think I'll need for dinner.  If Henry is napping, I encourage Evelyn to play with her dollhouse or work on an art project (or, if I am desperate, I put on a Sesame Street Counting DVD ) and I am able to do the bulk of the preparation and cooking.  When I have more time, I am more likely to attempt a dish that requires more than three ingredients.  Lately, I've been living on the wild side.  Onions, green peppers, garlic, chili paste. . . they all made it into my meals.

In fact, speaking of ingredients, would you have thought to include carrots in your chili?  This was a new concept for me, I usually add corn when making a chili.  I found a delicious, protein-packed, chili in The Gluten-Free Vegan (Susan O'Brien) and the carrots did pleasantly surprise.

"Tofu Chili"

Ingredients:
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 large onion, chopped
1 cup chopped green bell pepper
2 cloves garlic, chopped
2 large carrots, chopped
1 pound extra-firm tofu, cubed
 2 (15-ounce) cans beans (1 can each black and red kidney)  I used two cans of red kidney beans.
1 (28-ounce) can diced or chopped tomatoes
1 tablespoon chile powder
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes
salt and pepper

Saute the onion, pepper, garlic, and carrots in the oil, in a deep skillet or dutch oven, over medium-high heat.   Once the onion becomes soft, 4 to 5 minutes, add the tofu and continue to saute for 8 to 10 minutes. Add the beans, tomatoes, chile powder, and red pepper flakes (I'll admit that I was too chicken to add the red pepper flakes).  Bring this mixture to a boil, then lower the heat and cook for 30 to 40 minutes, until cooked through.  Season to taste with salt and pepper.  You could serve this with cornbread (I often make a gluten-free cornbread from a Bob's Red Mill mix, but I served this with corn tortilla chips instead). 

Enjoy!

Take a breath

This past weekend was both energizing and exhausting. With Henry wrapped in a sling, I attended the La Leche League of Washington Area Conference. It was a three day conference, though I didn't participate on Friday as Evelyn wouldn't have had anywhere to go! There were some wonderful speakers and some very thought-provoking discussions and questions among attendees. There was a great range of topics which included lactation, nutrition, parenting, and partner relationships; I think I got a good taste of each one, though there were so many sessions that I couldn't possibly attend everything that piqued by interest. I'll share a favorite new resource.

Patty Wipfler, of Hand in Hand Parenting, gave a wonderful talk about parenting by connection. I wasn't familiar with her organization before this talk but I am so glad to have learned about it. A couple of the concepts that seem poised to be the most controversial among parents (which I will mention here, because controversy seems to stir discussion and interest) include a strict "no-tickle" policy and the general premis of parenting by connection: focus on maintaing a connection with your child, not on controlling behavior! I happen to enthusiastically support both of concepts and so it was great to hear my views so well-articulated and to hear about the experience-based research behind them.

Briefly, the idea behind having a "no-tickle" household isn't to say that parents shouldn't nuzzle into their child's little neck and give kisses or blow raspberries on their child's tummy as long as the child enjoys it. The idea really is that tickling is a cheap thrill of sorts. It forces laughter out of the child, even is the child is grumpy or upset about something. A tickle almost always brings with it laughter-- which pleases the parent-- and the child will learn to accept "forced" (and I do realize it is with good intentions) prolonged or even rough tickling in order to see her parent smiling and laughing if this doesn't often happen at other times of the day. There are so many more creative ways to induce laughter that give the child some power and some choice in the matter. Giggling and chasing a toddler and saying "I have tickles for you!" is a great option in our house. Evelyn asks to be tickled in certain places (her armpits, or her legs) and I gently oblige but her favorite activity when it comes to "tickling" type fun is when I pretend to nibble her up for dinner. I pause every few moments to make sure she is still enjoying it (rather than trying to make her laugh until she feels helpless and can't breathe or has a stomach ache).

The basic idea behind Hand in Hand Parenting though, is that if children are going to thrive, they need to feel really connected to the person taking care of them. This means that adults offer warmth, repsect, eye contact, and good listening. The child, in turn, responds with trust, cooperation, and respect (in age appropriate ways obviously). The child relies on her limbic system to a great degree and before she is even capable of expressing herself, she can tell and sense who we are as people. Thinking follows this non-verbal "feeling" and when a child is feeling connected she will show better reasoning, planning, impulse control, and short-term memory.

So, if your child (or mine!) isn't listening to you or is acting up, the idea is that we need to first reestablish that connection with the child in order to repair the irrational thinking. We need to move close, stop the off-track behavior without even saying (or yelling) "stop it!" and we need to listen. Wipfler encouraged parents to see crying and tantrums (and even seemingly defiant laughter) as part of the healing process. Children are offloading the upset and then they are ready to connect and use their prefrontal cortex for actual logical thought (again, in age appropriate ways). This was all very interesting to me and it was so helpful to frame Evelyn's behavior within this model of thinking. When I use the techniques (focusing on staying connected or reconnecting as needed) that Hand in Hand encourages, Evelyn really responds much faster and I think that both of us feel better. I won't turn this post into a novella, but I could go on and on with some fascinating ideas and some "playlistening games" to help deal with specific issues that a child might be dealing with (separation anxiety, power issues, wondering if she is still loved after a new sibling has arrived). I'll save my wonderful experiences hearing from Naomi Aldort (!) for another day.

"Training"

I completely respect the fact that every family is unique and every parent, every mother, has a particular set of needs to be met within a particular set of circumstances. Nevertheless, I just cannot for the life of me get on board with the idea of "training" an infant or young child. Children aren't pups, though they might share some cute (and not-so-cute) habits from time to time. I've been thinking of this topic because occasionally we hear things like "oh, I just wouldn't allow that at my house" (if Evelyn doesn't fall asleep for nap on the first try, or at all). We've also heard about potty training "boot camp" and there are plenty of books out there about potty training in one day, or half a day even. I think it makes sense, as a general rule, (I'm not talking about extraordinary circumstances or kids who are much older than toddlers and may be better able to understand logic) to approach developmental or behavioral changes as learning experiences.

Of course there are times when I absolutely need a break. Much more often than not, Evelyn takes a good nap each day, but once in a while, she doesn't. If I think only of my need for a break, I can lose sight of what my child really needs in this moment. And those needs can change. An arbitrary nap or bed time is only useful as long as it is still working for both parent and child. I try to consider how I would feel if I were in my daughter's position. What if I was in pain because I was teething? What I needed to go to the bathroom? What if I was feeling scared about something. If I'm not tired, or if I'm feeling stressed out and having a hard time sleeping, would it be helpful to have someone shut me in a dark room while I scream for an hour? It would not. Maybe I'd fall asleep a little faster after a few rounds of this treatment, but I'd also probably have some trouble placing my full faith in that person. So, some days Evelyn just has quiet time in her room and plays with her dollhouse. Some days she's just extra grumpy for the afternoon, and no, it is not a lot of fun. We have an earlier bedtime on those days.

As for "potty learning," Evelyn has been using the potty at her own pace, about once or twice a day for two weeks now. We are letting her take the lead and encouraging her. My position at this point is that I am the parent and there are a lot of things I can control. My daughter is small, but she is a person worthy of respect and choices in her life. I try my best to offer both to her ( and as Henry grows, to him as well).

On limits

I've come to realize (again-- it seems I have the same epiphany over and over again) that I just cannot be everything to everyone and that it is OK. If I am to maintain some semblance of peace and joy in my life and in my house, I can't say "yes" to every event invitation, volunteer opportunity, or even casual get-together. Sometimes we need a little down-time. Believe me, we often do need some social activities, but lately we've had plenty!

Thankfully, my dear sister was willing to listen to me as I worked through some anxieties and frustrations (Am I the best mother I can be? Am I achieving enough?) I suppose it really doesn't help that, had I followed the graduate school path immediately following college, this year might have been the year I'd look forward to tacking three letters onto my name. My sister helped provide some much-needed outside perspective though. She helped me remember that my babies are only these ages, with these specific (and highly physical) needs for a relatively short time. I don't need to strive for perfection every day. Sometimes contented survival is good enough. And, sometimes good enough really is enough.

There are some fabulous friends I've made in the Pacific Northwest that I haven't been able to see for some time because of the fluctuating newborn-toddler routines and needs. I hope this will begin to change in the coming month or so, as I've been getting a better handle on the routines that best serve the needs of our whole family. I also have a number of projects I've been meaning to complete. I think if I can wrap my head around the word "no"-- as in, "no, I won't be able to help organize this huge event/ host a shindig/ drive an hour and a half with a crying newborn"-- we will all be in better shape.

It's a hit!

The birdhouse Evelyn and I picked up at Home Depot seems to be doing its job. We've had our first sighting now so the word must be out in the bird community that there is a new feeder in the neighborhood. Now we need to learn to identify our new friends. I think Evelyn will really enjoy that.